This post is going to be super personal and candid. So I hope you guys find it relatable to a certain degree. Going through a breakup is one of the hardest things we have to go through in our lives. I would say second to having someone you love die. Some would argue it’s worst because they choose to leave you. Especially the long-term relationship where you pretty much have to get a new life afterwards because you cannot remember the time you were without them. It can turn into a life or identity crisis on its own. So let me tell you my story and see where I can help with giving you a bigger perspective that you might find helpful in this hard time.
These past few years..
I have dated a lot of people. Some more serious, some less serious. Going on first dates become my second nature and I enjoy it very much. I used to meet new people all the time due to my easy-going nature and because I travel a lot. Sometimes alone. So it helps with the use of online dating apps to help meet new people, and it doesn’t hurt if they’re cute! But I think it has consumed me in a way that I need constant validation from strangers, from the number of dates I have in order to validate my desirability and my worth. It has, to a certain point, become toxic.
I can say now that I am exhausted and this breakup while in lockdown has given me some much needed time alone to really reflect.
Surprisingly with my second relationship in Melbourne having ended recently.. I realized how much I have gotten better and a lot faster in moving on. Maybe because I’m used to saying goodbye to people? Maybe because our relationship didn’t last that long. But I think it comes down to my mindset that I have acquired and the maturity I have gained every time I go through emotional hardship and a breakup. It teaches me new things every time.
Moving to Melbourne (alone and abroad for the first time)
Ever since I came to Melbourne to further my studies and living abroad for the first time. I’ve never been so lonely. I’ve always had so many friends and “roots” in Thailand that even on slow days I would never felt this lonely because I will always have a list of people ready to pick up my call. But ever since I moved away, I think it’s natural to find myself craving companionship and someone that is your people.
First of all, I need to make myself clear that despite being super needy I am not someone who craves relationship and only needs to be in one at all times.. well at least not as much as recently when I’m abroad and alone. My first boyfriend was when I was 21 and I got into it out of a desperate need to have a boyfriend before graduating from university. I really wanted to be in one because I wanted to be validated for my worth and I wanted to have the boyfriend experience during university which now I find it so dumb and insecure.
It was one of the darkest times of my life and not because he was a bad person. It was because I was not ready and together we are toxic to each other. We argue every single day on the dumbest thing and we were so unhappy. That is why I vow not to ever be in a relationship for the sake of it.
I value the nights I spend a lot on my computer a lot. And I love being single, no attachments and going on dates. The excitement of dating and looking pretty for your date. So after a bad first relationship and when I was back home in Thailand, I never found the need to be with someone just to be with someone. I was perfectly fine being with my friends. However, when I’m living alone abroad, I realized how much more desperate I am to have someone with me. And I think that makes me get attached way easier, faster and harder.
My first heartbreak/breakup
I remember my first serious heartbreak (not so much a breakup because we never officially dated) was to a guy I had my first kiss. I was 19 years old, so that was pretty late for Western standard to have your first kiss. And I think because I waited and because I came from a small school where everyone knows everyone and we grew up together. I fell fast and hard, and when I had my first kiss.. it was like this was it. He was my soulmate. As naive as I was back then. I think everyone has to go through the most painful first breakup that eats you alive. I think I cried almost every day for a year lol and I even lost so much weight to get a revenge body that you can see here.
But even going through all that pain, I still did not feel beautiful. Even going through so much weight loss, I still feel unwanted. I think every girl understands this. When the only guy you ever wanted chooses not to be with you, it fucking sucks. But you have to go through it to come out stronger. And it did. I came out stronger.
The one mindset I have acquired
I have both been the one who broke up with someone and been broken up with. I think it hurts differently.
To break up with someone, you feel a sense of guilt and a sense of regret. To be broken up with, you feel a sense of disappointment and admit it, your ego is a bit bruised. These are the sayings I have written down from listening to Matthew Hussey, this relationship guru on Youtube that I’ve always listened to because he says such great insightful things that really ring true to me. I suggest you go on his channel and search for heartbreak/breakup videos and you will thank me later. I remember just opening to his videos on replay on the first day of my breakup and I am always, always reminded of the bigger picture. In the grand scheme of life, that this will not be the end of the world and that we have gone through a lot worst before.
The right person is the person who chooses you. It is not your job to fix what he broke.
You will find someone who is better for you. Someone who invests in you, and it won’t be this difficult. You won’t have to think this hard. Not that it’s perfect but you can only work on things on your side, not his.
You can’t work on how much he commits or invest in you. If you tried and he still doesn’t put in any more effort, the chances are it’s not going to get any better. Someone I’m going to spend my life with is not someone I need to persuade to invest in me.
Someone breaking up with me is a violation of the truth we held. The truth that you and I are bigger than any problem, that you and I are going to overcome, that you and I are going to do whatever it takes to make it last.
Process of genuine acceptance
You have to begin the process of genuine acceptance that you didn’t have what you thought you had. Something that you thought was going to last. Someone who was going to give you their all. It turns out, you didn’t.
On the other side of acceptance is relief. Because what is truly painful is when you feel that this is the person you’re supposed to be with forever and he left. But that’s not true anymore. What is sacred, has been lost. Accept that you haven’t lost the great relationship of your life, the great love of your life. It wasn’t – as it turns out – to be the great relationship of your life. And he wasn’t – as it turns out – to be the great love of your life.
Separate disappointment and grief
This isn’t me losing my soulmate. It’s just me being disappointed because this person doesn’t turn out to be my soulmate. The right person can only be the right person when it’s two people choosing each other. They cannot represent a true dream relationship – despite all their amazing qualities – if they don’t choose you. In fact, someone not choosing you is the biggest departure from the dream relationship you could ever imagine. Not being chosen by someone has to be the greatest turn-off, the greatest dealbreaker in the world.
Kill your ego
The ego element is there when that person chooses someone else and you taking that baggage. Kill your ego. Because it has no place in your growth. We are all going to die many many times in our lives a piece of you has died you’ve been through hell, but I want to version of you that’s been through hell and has something to say about it. I want a version that went through hell and back I want the version of you who died; resurrected and came back to tell the rest of us how to do that. I want the version that has something to say. That person is much more interesting we connect better when we are weak we learn far more.
We become far more stronger from things that go wrong in our lives than what goes right.
Whatever is happening to you right now it’s just giving flavours to a great stew. It’s making you more experience to bring to the next relationship.
And then there is mourning. When you think someone who was supposed to be with you hasn’t. I can assure you it’s not. I can promise you you haven’t. Because unless he chooses you, he’s not someone you’re supposed to be with. You can be disappointed he wasn’t the person, but you CANNOT grieve like he was. Disappointment also takes time to get over, but it is much easier than grieving and losing the love of your life.
You did not lose that someone and something better will be coming.. I promise you ♥
Take your time. Cry as much as you want. But do not look back. My tip is to put all of his pictures/videos into your hard drive where it is safe, but at the same time it locked away so you can’t access it easily. Remove whatever items that can remind you of him. Understand that only through pain can you become better and learn. You do not change and become better when you’re comfortable. There is no sense of urgency or enough desperation to push for change.
These are some of the videos that helped me every time I go through a breakup. I even write some parts down to remind me of the specific things Matthew said that really resonated with me.
Remember, there will always be tomorrow. It might be raining and cloudy today, but give yourself credit for feeling and making it another day. You can try again and again as long as you keep trying. It might not show any signs of improvement now but it will. And you will look back and realize how much you have come, how strong you have become, and how things really do end up being okay. 🙂